tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central June 26, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT
>> stephen: tonight is the 9 romney campaign hoping for bad news? well, they are betting senator eyore, then the latest on education, did you know that calculators can do more than just spell boo b's? and my guest frank deford has written a memoir about his life as a sports remember. eye tivoed his book so don't tell me who won. a swedish woman had to sit next to a corps on a ten hour flight. well, at least she got both armrests. (laughter) this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
cheerses plaus. >> stephen: hey, welcome 209 report, everybody. how are you, folks? >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i don't want to brag, folks but mi such a great ven industrial quest that i can make you chant my name while i drink water. folks, let's get right to a breaking colbert news alert. it's a developing story on the legal battle over obama care. the supreme court has decided last thursday to decide today that they will denied next thursday. (laughter)
at which time justice roberts will hop into the general lee jump the press korpts and haul ass out of town screaming noooo healthcare! folks, this wait on the obamacare decision has taken its toll on all of us on cable news. >> the excruciating waiting game may almost be over. any minute we could get a major decision from the supreme court. >> we could have a supreme court decision on the overhaul of health care any minute now. >> it's a 10:01 eastern time and change still waiting. >> it's 10:05 eastern time, we're still waiting. >> all right then. we're waiting. >> i know. >> this is a pregnant pause, ladies and gentlemen, i am waiting for something to come down from the supreme court. we're expecting it by now, it's 10:06. >> stephen: luckily as a fox business anchor stu varney has vast experience reporting absolutely no information. (laughter)
of course we conservatives are confident that the court majority will rule in our favor. how confident? richard mourdock, indiana gop senate candidate and dark lord of the the wizard-- pretaped his reaction to the eventual ruling last thursday and accidentally posted his prefont on youtube. >> we have had our brief moment of celebration because the supreme court ruled that obamacare is, in fact, unconstitutional. 4r56 laugh -- (laughter) >> stephen: this is one of the briefest moments of celebration i've ever seen. but folks it is inspiring to see a man so confident in prevailing that he puts his balls on the felt and documents his prediction. and three other predictions. >> well, the supreme court has done what none of us really thought could happen. they have ruled obamacare
constitutional. >> we now know obama care came down to the split decision. the supreme court struck done part but not all of the health-care bill. >> the united states supreme court has done what none of us expected. they found an answer to the health-care issue which basically lead them to no decision at all. >> stephen: it's just-- it's just smart to cover your bases while you've got the camera crew there. i mean who knows the next time you'll have the opportunity to throw together a brick wall and an edison wax recorder. (laughter) folks, i love this. but my only criticism here is that the only options mourdock prepared for were overturned, not overturned, half overturned and no answer. but what about all the other possibilities? i mean i think we've got to be ready for anything. jim? >> the united states supreme court has done what none of us have expected.
the mandate has been struck down. there's been another recount, and george bush is president again. (laughter) well, the united states supreme court in a hotly contested 5-4 decision has declared that carly ray-- call me maybe is the song of the summer. also no health care. >> today the united states supreme court did what none of us expected. justice scalia revealed that the whole time he's just been four raccoons in a black garbage bag. sad news from washington as the united states supreme court has committed octuple murder suicide. am leaving only clarence thomas to rule on obama care. he has remained silent. the united states supreme court surprised many analysts today when justice alito announced he will be stepping down from the bench to become the base player for iron maiden. >> today the long-awaited
decision on obamacare came down-- excuse me, excuse me, i said nobody in the break room, okay. get out, out. >> stephen: we'll stay on top of this breaking story. fingers crossed. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now nation-- in the past few months our economy has been a sluggish as a slug in a slug convention. it's gotten so bad i had to fire my metaphor writer. well, folks,-- (laughter) i've got some good news and some bad news. the good news is there's plenty of bad news which is great news for mitt romney. (laughter) you see the cornerstone of mift's campaign is that he can fix obama's broke own economy. so the worst things are for john q public, the better they are for willard m private. >> the federal chairman ben
bernanke said today unemployment will remain above 8% through the end of the year. >> this is bad news. >> pore bad job news and a weak economy it is. >> the economy is not getting better. >> stephen: whoo! the economy is not getting better! (cheers and applause) all right, that's enough, jimmy. people are hurting. unfortunately for mitt romney not everything is coming up dead roses. some key swing states are actually rebounding. and the republican governors of those states naturally want to look good. and they're reluctant to get on the gloom wagon brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) >> one of the twin states, florida, was devastated by the recession but as recently rebounded under the
leadership of republican governor and grown-up bat boy rick scott. who recently tooted his own horn with this ad. >> across florida here's the news. companies are hiring, expanding, putting more floridians to work. florida's unemployment rate continues to get better. now at a three year low, florida's getting back to work. >> stephen: now good for him. but folks, here's the problem. one pollster when he saw that commercial said, i initially thought it was an obama ad. and many elderly florida voters are already easily confused. (laughter) kuz you know what else they think are ad force obama? these. (laughter) well, the romney campaign knew they had to do something. now according-- according to
bloomberg news, they have asked governor rick scott to downplay florida's job gains. because it only help os bama who paints a rosy picture. but for some reason, governor scott won't say florida sucks. because-- just hours after that bloomberg report, the florida republican party released a memo saying florida's unemployment rate dropped for the 11th consecutive month and now is at 8.6%. that's the lowest it's been since december 2008. ix-nay on the oo-thousand-eight tay. s away, esident pray ush bayh. >> now folks t is so important t is so important that we conservatives all sing from the same hymnal.
i mean everybody. i mean just look at this destructively upbeat clip on fox news. >> 80s across the 12r58 plains, 60s up north. it's going to be a beautiful day. >> stephen: no, that's obama's beautiful day! remember, it's not partly sunny, it's partly cancerous with a chance of your wife leaving you for ramone the pool boy. and even, even if there is good news we've got to spin it in the worst possible light for the president. for instance, in those few states that have added jobs, just focus on what a drag it is to have to go to work every day. hey, let's go out and party. oh wait, i have to go to work tomorrow. thanks a lot, obama. folks, i believe to get this country back on track we have to drag everyone down in the dumps. and i'm ready to do my part.
>> great news from the woodland park zoo in seattle, washington. due to a heart defect a rare baby snow leopard has been euthanized. he was so young, he didn't even have a name. romney 2012. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: because the only way that mitt can win is to remember the old saying, if it ain't broke, insist that it is and maybe they'll hire you to fix it. and that's the word. we'll be right back. time for evan and jerry.
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>> stephen: welcome-- welcome back, everybody, thanks so much, nation, i don't know about you but in high school i was a model student. in that i spent most of it sniffing airplane glue. this is eyes on edukashon. tonight chemistry. anyone with a teenager knows that the tightest end of the educational thinker is college admissions. everyone is looking for that edge, to help them spend a quarter of a million dollars on a worthless philosophy degree. and folks, it keeps getting harder and harder. you're up against an army of overachieving geniuses with an 8.0 gpa who played the violin since the second
trimester and whose extracurricular activities include flying the chop their got bin laden. so i was not surprised to hear this. >> high school kids face a lot of pressure into getting into college. but it turns out an increasing number of students are abusing prescription drugs aderol and ritalin to help them pass their test. call them study drugs. they say the drugs give students a boost of energy, and increase their attention span. >> stephen: yes, study drugs. a surefire way top improve your grades if are you too lazy to sleep with your teacher. (laughter) >> stephen: now in a recent study published by "the new york times" doctors and students estimated that up to 40% of children at top schools are riding the concentration pone hoping to gain what one teen user described as laser focus, instant recall and the fortitude to crush any test in her path. (laughter) now if she could just get a
prescription for gamma radiation she could become quiz hulk. hulk gets 2400 on sats. i want to talk to the kids for a second. kids, don't be so-- you see, i know you kuz the youth dig me. i'm one of them. i'm just kick it, blasting the dave mathews, wearing khakies, using a land line. look, kids, i get it. with all that pressure to succeed, a shortcut like snorting aderol seems like a no-brainer, but let me ask you something. are you serious about succeeding or not? every one applying to elite schools is snorting aderol. if you want to be something you have to step it up. i suggest a cocktail of-- ecstasy and 50 ccs of adrenaline and a cardiac kansas city needle like uma thurman in "pulp fiction".
that is what getting into standford feels like. now folks, let me put this in another way. this is your brain. this is your brain on drugs. (laughter) any questions? okay, quiz time. a train leaves chicago going 120 miles per hour. you're running next to it without breaking a sweat. what are you on and why aren't you sharing it with your friends? well, that's it for eyes on edukashon. remember, kids, keep hitting those books and if that doesn't destroy them, try a wood chipper. we'll be right back. s)
my guest is an a clipped sports reporter who has written 18 books. he had to fine something to keep him awake during baseball games. please welcome frank deford. thank you so much for stopping in, have a seat. sir, first of all, i have to compliment you on being a dapper gentleman. not everyone shows the respect to come on my show with the-- and the cher sheaf. >> sports writers are usually looked upon as involve enly an i like to go opposite. >> the oscar -- >> exactly, i'm not a typical sports writer, i don't even play golf which drives people crazy. >> you don't play golf, how do you make business deals. >> that's it. i'm a writer. i don't have to. >> now you've got a new book called overtime. my life as sports writer.
>> yes. >> stephen: is it overtime or over time. >> no, it's a play on words, see it means two things am are you looking for a name about your life, a memoir type name. >> stephen: so it means two things at once. >> yes, two things at once but we also have in sports, we have overtime. >> stephen: frank, frank. >> so it si perfect title. >> stephen: frank, you're blowing my mind. (applause) >> i know, i know i'm moving too fast for you. >> stephen: as a sports writer this is something i-- you know, i'm not the most knowledgeable about sports. did you play the game as a kid or was sports writing a response to the fact that you got picked last for the dodge ball team? >> that's what everybody says. that you have to play the game to be able to write it. red smith the great
columnist f that were true then only dead men could write obituaris. >> stephen: wow. that's deep, man. so what's the answer. did you play. >> i played as a kid but then everybody played as a kid. and you know, i was a high school star. >> stephen: what was your game. >> basketball. i'm 6 foot 4. actually the last time i played was against the harlem globetrotters, that was the height of my career. >> stephen: really? did you win. >> were you playing for the washington generals. >> exactly. i mean i was a tall white guy who couldn't jump so i fit perfectly into the opposition team. and i agreed to play them the last night that i was with them in bologna. and the great thing about that is that the first thing you're asked when are you a tall person is did you ever play basketball. abraham lincoln in heaven, that's what they ask him. (laughter)
>> stephen: that guy could jump. ask robert e lee too. >> so now you see what i can say, stephen, is yeah, i played a little pro ball in italy, you see that gives me-- that's the height of my career. >> stephen: well, you had such a long and illustrious career, you have written 18 books, you have written for "sports illustrated", a here on hbo, real sports with bryant gum balance. how has sports writing changed over your career because when you started the super bowl was just leather helmets and guys with trunnchos. one team has clubs the other knives, right. >> sports writing hasn't changed more than anything else. the great thing about sports writing is it's drama and it's glamor. and there's wins and losses. and it is about, if you can't write sports you really ought to get out of the business because it gives you everything. >> stephen: kuz you know what to says, you know what the story is. >> you don't know the story
but you know it's go tokai good story when it's over so that is what makes it so good. the trouble with sports writing is it is overwhelmed by statistics. the worst thing that happened was that money ball which was all about numbers and numbers. and you want to like blood and guts, that's sports writing. >> stephen: brad pitt was nominated for that. >> he was nominated but it was dull, as tedious as soccer is. >> stephen: you're no fan of soccer. you're no fan of soccer. >> oh, soccer-- . >> stephen: right up here, baby doll. no, listen what separates us from the animals is our opposable thumbs. >> that's exactly true. >> stephen: i think a zebra could play soccer. >> it's the only thing, the only institution in the world in which we don't use our hands when we have a choice and then we use our heads, you know to butt the ball like that. and that's why americans, i think, are the only superpower left on the face of the earth. (applause)
>> stephen: i agree you say that all the breakthroughs have happened in sport. what dow mean by that. >> i meant when i got in a long long time ago there were, for example, very few women playing sport os then. i mean the greatest thing that has happened in my time, seriously, has been women coming into sports. this is the 40th anniversary of title ix. >> stephen: you are in favor of title ix. >> absolutely. it's given women a chance. let me tell you, more than that-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: way to butter up the ladies in the crowd. >> that's how pick up chicks, right? >> stephen: well, frank, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you, stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the book is >> stephen: that's it for >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody.
hey, come on, man. be careful, man. you're spilling it on the floor. i don't understand why you don't just use a cup. i'm trying to be inconspicuous. inconspicuous? your entire mouth is stained red, frank. it is? aren't we gonna be at the barbecue soon? yeah, i'm pre-gaming, man. what is going on with you, man? you're going off the deep end lately. i feel like he's been wading around in the deep end for a while now, charlie. no, bro, it's different. he's staying out, like, all hours of the night. i never see him. if he is around, he's usually not even wearing clothes. i'm wearing clothes now, bitch. you're wearing a shirt that's on inside out and it's covered in grease. it's not grease; it's sap. sap? how did you get covered in sap? i got really wasted. i must have climbed a tree. really stepping up the insanity, huh? i'm trying to push myself. i wanted to see how far i could go. i feel like you've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a while now. i say hop off. let's see where you land. i really wish you wouldn't encourage him, man. i really wish you wouldn't. charlie, if somebody wants to push his boundaries, you gotta let him. frank, jump. i never felt more alive in my life!